Good LOL

15> Tell the celebs that their spacesuits are equipped to handle poop.

14> Once safely in orbit, walk toward the hatch and tell the other astronauts, “I’m headed to the corner store for a six. Need anything?”

13> The pilot asks for calm as he announces that he needs to make an emergency landing on the moon.

12> Run for the bathroom screaming, “Houston, we have a problem!”

11> While communicating with the guy on a spacewalk, make a hissing sound into the mic.

10> Whenever somebody asks for Tang, point to your mini-skirt.

9> Unwrap Baby Ruth bar. Hide it under Britney’s seat. Wait for zero G.

8> Lower the ration of oxygen in the cabin when a David Lynch film is being shown on movie night.

7> Rig the systems to fire the lateral thrusters and spin the space craft every time the communication switch is toggled.

6> Entice Tara Reed aboard with offer of free publicity. Laugh when her fake breasts explode in zero-G!

5> “Open the restroom door? I’m sorry Dave, I can’t do that.”

4> “What do you mean, I didn’t buy a return ticket?!?”

3> Convince the other passengers that that’s not actually Joan Rivers, but an alien queen who has infiltrated the ship.

2> Squirt a little mayo in the air and announce “I just had a space-gasm!”

1> Fall on the table, convulsing, then Verne Troyer bursts through your T-shirt.

[ Copyright 2012 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

16> “He had the look of an ornery cuss who would shoot a man for snoring. I began to suspect that my night at the sleep disorder clinic was going to be a bumpy one.”

15> “You ain’t allowed back here, gumshoe.”
“Easy, Sarge, I work part time as a freelance feng shui coordinator.”

14> “As I closed the blinds in my office, I could feel her steely gaze upon me even before I wheeled around. Her fiery eyes sparkled like rubies. I knew what she was after. So I handed her my separate bins for trash and recyclables.”

13> “The dame pinched my wallet, Johnny. Follow that car, and step on it!”
“Who do I look like, King Kong?”

12> “She had the kind of knobs that an old-time radio would be proud of and you wouldn’t mind fiddling with to get better reception.”

11> “Her perfume lingered in my memory, like that goddamned ‘It’s a Small World’ song.”

10> “Midnight. The convention was in full swing. The sound of Klingon filled the room. The dame was nowhere in sight. For that matter, there were *no* dames in sight.”

9> “One flick of my wrist, and her bra unhinged like the gates before a Wembley Stadium soccer match.”

8> “She was woman and I was man. Nothing stood between her and me except for a flimsy negligee. I let it slide off me to the floor and stepped toward her.”

7> “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me yet.”
“Too late — I already have.”

6> “The dame standing at the end of the dimly-lit bar wasn’t very hot, but she wasn’t exactly cold, either. She was lukewarm, like a turkey pot pie in an Easy-Bake oven.”

5> “She ate dinner like old people hump — slow and sloppy.”

4> “She was trouble with a capital ‘T.’ No, more than that — trouble in all caps. Well, that’s maybe a bit excessive. She was *lots* of trouble, with a capital ‘T’ and an exclamation point. Maybe two exclamation points.”

3> “I ventured into the dark alley with a pounding heart and a spastic colon, hoping neither would give me away.”

2> “I’ve got five bucks that says you won’t pull that trigger.”
“Good. I need that dough to buy bullets.”

1> “I checked into the hotel across the street from the dame. My room was musty and dingy, and a Chuck E. Cheese sign blinked intermittently in the window, bathing everything in its cheery orange light. But I smelled a rat.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]